Saturday, October 5, 2013

Alas! Poor Alphonse, I knew him well

Ahhhhhh...the morning bought a very quiet, dead and floating Alphonse who then received a slightly improper burial in the Ocean T'let. Marie was bereft for about 5 minutes, or until I fed her and she is bouncing around doing her thing. I will stop and get her a new friend today, mostly out of guilt. You see, I am directly responsible for Alphonses's demise.

In my rush last night to get things put together for a class, I just couldn't stand how massively stinky the tank was and did a speed full change. I did not wait for the water in the backup tank to warm to room temperature. As soon as Alphonse hit the backup tank, he went into shock. Struggled valiantly, and then became constipated and started floating upside down. My poor, previously chipper and stinky pooptastic fish died constipated and in a state of shock. All because I was rushing.

So Marie gets a new friend that she may or may not want.

Outside, Milarepa (aka Ralph, the white dove), showed up last night filthy and with a bloody head. I was all concerned about him until this beautiful, svelte and pristine female white dove landed near him. I highly suspect he returned to his former home and broke her out.

It is amazing what we will do when we are rushing to avoid things, or to avoid feeling things. I have been struck lately about how it is consider "ill" to have any kind of distress tolerance level - in other words, to retian the capacity to sit within distress. There is an immeditae rush to medicate and eradicate. It is interesting to me that the people who come to learn the techniques of sitting in distress, have an underlying expectation that it will get rid of it in the end. But that is not how life works.

Distress is, and it remains. Until we are sufficiently distracted by something else. The Brave New World drive to remove all ill feelings and suffering through medication or the adoption of fantastical beliefs is saddening. It is saddening, but it also asks the question of what is the purpose of distress?

which is better, to live a lie that at least makes you feel better on the surface?
or to live a truth that may make every moment unbearable?

is there a middle ground?

Very much so. It lies in an area called awareness that is a skill that has to be very carefully cultivated to make it something you can retain. Awareness is what allows us to not buy into illusion and fantasy, and yet not succumb to suffering. It is what denies hope and acknowledges purpose. It accepts the existence of the fact that there is no meaning to life, and the meaning that life has. It is the essence of balance.

Balance means one is always in motion, falling, spinning, almost righting oneself before the motion begins again. There is nothing still about being in balance. Nothing quiet. Nothing still.

Today, I will research the fish before I pick it out and try to at least get Marie a guilt gift that doesn't come with bowel issues.

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